"As a couples therapist, one situation
I’m confronted with often is when a relationship is shaken up by the discovery
of a lie. It’s not always infidelity, but that is a classic example. In that
first session with a couple who sees me after the discovery of an affair, both
partners usually agree on what the problem is – one partner wronged the other,
and that person typically sits in my office sheepishly, overcome by guilt,
shame, and a vague sense of relief that the truth is finally out. The other
person vents their hurt and disappointment, feeling hopeless, but morally
superior. Both agree on who the bad guy is, and the therapist might be tempted
to join with this interpretation of reality – it’s pretty simple, isn’t it?"
by Julia Flood, Psychotherapist
The Truth About Lies
Author: Julia Flood
Website: New Start Therapy
As a couples therapist, one situation I’m confronted with often is when a relationship is shaken up by the discovery of a lie. It’s not always infidelity, but that is a classic example. In that first session with a couple who sees me after the discovery of an affair, both partners usually agree on what the problem is – one partner wronged the other, and that person typically sits in my office sheepishly, overcome by guilt, shame, and a vague sense of relief that the truth is finally out. The other person vents their hurt and disappointment, feeling hopeless, but morally superior. Both agree on who the bad guy is, and the therapist might be tempted to join with this interpretation of reality – it’s pretty simple, isn’t it?
In my experience betrayal rarely
happens in a relational vacuum. Apart from maybe a pathological liar, most
dishonesty in relationships tends to develop in a context that both partners
help shape. I am mindful of how delicate this is to talk about – nobody wants
to “blame the victim” for “having caused” their partner’s inexcusable betrayal,
but what I am suggesting is that there is typically more than one victim. More
often than not, both partners are caught in a dynamic of having avoided
difficult topics for some time. There is an unspoken agreement that “not
rocking the boat” is the safest approach to handling underlying differences.
Couples therapists Bader and Pearson
coined the term “Lie Invitee Behavior” to describe the verbal and nonverbal
things a partner might communicate to let the other know that the truth is not
really wanted. If you’re holding a secret, you probably had bad experiences in
the past with sharing what you really think, believe, or desire, and you have
learned that it is safer to keep it to yourself. Probably the underlying fear
is that if your partner knew what you really think, s/he would no longer love
you. This fear might stem from an earlier experience with a relationship that
turned sour, or you might be picking up on the not-so-subtle cues from your
current partner.
If you suspect that your partner is
withholding the truth, what are the “Lie-Invitee Behaviors” you might be doing
that help foster an atmosphere of in-authenticity? The list is very long, but
here are just a few: flying off the handle when you disagree, making threats,
constantly seeking assurance, checking up on your partner, laying down the law,
excessive blaming, or having emotional meltdowns. You might be giving unspoken
cues as well: you might ask how your partner feels, but you make it clear that
there is really only one correct answer, you might ask for the “whole truth”
but communicate that it would devastate you, or you tell your partner s/he is
being insensitive for expressing their opinion (or frustration with you!). The
message that all of these maneuvers have in common is this: your partner’s
reality, his or her truth is not really wanted. It is too painful, too
difficult, and you worry your relationship may not be strong enough for it.
In my opinion, “rocking the boat” is
probably your best bet to lie-proof your relationship. No doubt, you’re taking
a risk by putting yourself out there as well as inviting your partner’s true
thoughts and feelings, but keeping a lid on the truth is a much bigger gamble!
Taking that risk may be a stretch, but it’s an emotional exercise that brings
personal and relational growth.
But what if you’re not sure how you
feel? Some of us may need to do some soul-searching to discover what our true
desires even are! If you’re in the habit of continuously dismissing your own
needs or desires, you might have lost touch with yourself, and will ultimately
lose touch with your partner. The longer you wait to “show up” and show yourself to your partner – as well as ask about the things that confuse
or bother you in their behavior – the
greater the risk that you will cement a conflict-avoidant relationship that
will ultimately leave you disappointed and resentful – and possibly lied to.
Julia Flood, LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist practicing in San
Francisco's Lower Pacific Heights neighborhood. She has been working in
the mental health field since 1996 and specializes in couples
therapy/marriage counseling, helping partners in crisis to break out of
the vicious cycle of hurting and being hurt. You can find out more about
Julia on her website: www.newstarttherapy.com, or by calling (415) 820-3210 to arrange an initial phone consultation. She is bilingual in German.Labels: Cheating, Conflict Avoidance, Couples Therapy, Infidelity, Julia Flood, Lies