Psyched in San Francisco: Riding the Waves

...emotional flexibility- the capacity to dance with one’s experience- can be difficult to teach. What helps one read the surf and wind of emotional undercurrents are first developing a basic trust - trust that we can find resources to meet challenges and trust that others can be helpful, dependable and responsive. And then to find one’s balance on that monster wave of emotional experience is basic patience. -Rose Dito

by Rose Dito, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist

The Maverick's surfingcompetition was held this past Sunday and I wasn't an attendee. Instead I was a part of 49er fever, watching the playoff while juggling chores. Despite never having surfed I’m drawn to the challenge catching waves, finding a balance that can chase the wave all the way in. I have a pastiche of memories that are ocean based. I’m drawn to the rhythmic rocking that is a predictable constant. The ebb and flow both a reminder of fullness and loss.

Going with the flow can feel impossible in a crisis situation. If you know how to read the ocean, you can work with monster waves or undercurrents. You can adapt to that particular situation and not become panicked. You can learn to read surf, wind and have some idea of what to expect.

However in daily life the crises which occur can cause one to lose one’s bearings, so that it is difficult to access resources or know what is needed to adjust or deal with the situation at hand. Some individuals seem to have catastrophic underpinnings: such as parental addiction, financial instability, mental illness, physical or sexual violence, and yet somehow manage to create resources outside of their family otherwise they may not survive. For instance I've known of adolescents who have grown up in public housing, spent time in juvenile hall, but were able to form lasting connections with probation officers or former teachers. They became determined to develop skills that would allow them to support themselves.

I've worked with other adolescents who had more covert trauma, who also have significant difficulty thriving. They can be so thrown by normal challenges such as choosing class schedules, that they ossify in their responses. To prevent failure and disappointment they will severely restrict their choices.

Dancing, surfing and yoga can help with physical flexibility. But emotional flexibility- the capacity to dance with one’s experience- can be difficult to teach. What helps one read the surf and wind of emotional undercurrents are first developing a basic trust - trust that we can find resources to meet challenges and trust that others can be helpful, dependable and responsive. And then to find one’s balance on that monster wave of emotional experience is basic patience. It is important to be able to sit with an experience patiently. Basic trust and basic patience are prerequisites for surfing one’s ocean of emotional experience - no rush to decide how to respond, but to witness what is emerging, riding the wave of experience all the way to shore.

Rose Dito, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has a private practice in Burlingame where she works with adults, adolescents, couples and seniors. She specializes in PTSD and long-term integrative work, chronic and life threatening illness, dual diagnosis and parenting. She is a practioner of EMDR, family systems, intersubjectivity and object relations. She can be reached at 650-692-4118 or rdito@sbcglobal.net